There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
