wanna go halves on a baby?
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
