Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Randomize
