Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
