your parents love me but you hate me
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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