Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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