Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
