life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
