Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
