I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
