we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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