don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize