oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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