i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
