Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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