New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
