hotel room ftw
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
