i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Randomize
