My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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