they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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