I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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