youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Text me some of your sweat
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