I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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