nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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