I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
My liver just had a heart attack.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
