he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
