I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
