I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
