I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
