Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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