i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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