Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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