you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
