dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
