I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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