my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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