we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Randomize
