he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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