My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
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