there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
