i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
