I want to have your abortion
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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