dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
