I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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