I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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