u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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