Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
