I met the friendliest cop last night
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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