He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
