So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
