Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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