OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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