How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
