I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Drake has all the answers
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize