Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
