He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
