can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
