I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
