I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
