Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
