Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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