I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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