marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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