I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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