I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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