How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
