Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
