I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
